While all of you will read this after Valentine's Day is said and done, it's still Valentine's Day where I'm at. Today is a hard day for me. Even though everyone who knows me will say I'm only twenty, and I have no reason for today to be hard. Well that's bull. I'm the kind of girl who wears my heart on my sleeve and 10/10 times, it fucking sucks. However, I know that one day it won't suck anymore.
I have a really hard time on Valentine's Day because I struggle with finding self love and compassion within. I know I try and find acceptance through friends, lovers, and even with my own parents who love me no matter what. Yet I still struggle.
Being a young women in this millennial era is difficult. Now, don't get me wrong I'm a millennial and I have lots of respect for my generation and some of the really positive things we do, but we do have downsides. Some big downsides. One of those downsides is our ability to connect with one another. I personally really struggle with that. I love people. I love people more than I love myself even though my mother will disagree. Lol. I love being around people and listening and talking and connecting and that is what extremely hard to find with my generation let alone find it in Vegas.
See, I have this issue or problem with connecting with people to quickly. You could say I connect with them before they connect with me. Because I desperately want that connection as a friend or a partner with someone. It's good and it's bad. Unfortunately most of the time is a bad thing for me because I push. In a way I think it can be a positive because so many people in my generation dont give a damn about trying or they're too damn scared to be vulnerable. I hope my vulnerability can be an example to the people around me. Somewhat anyways. But Valentine's Day brings all this to the surface. I'm SO HAPPY for the people who've found it, who've done something right and have a partner in crime. Seeing all their posts today made me happy. But part of me was let down. I want to be one of them who are lucky enough.
When I think about all the other bloggers, friends, family, and co workers I know who I look up to on this day I see one thing in common. Whether it's real or just on the surface I don't know, but I see self love.
I see that these people don't put themselves down. They don't belittle themselves. They know who they are even if they question it sometimes like the rest of us. But they are people who look like they love themselves first.
What got me through today was the nice weather, school, and the idea that I am enough and I will be enough for someone when the time is right; that I am enough to make my parents proud even when I fuck up bad.
Practicing self love is incredibly hard. I didn't get the chance to go to my favorite yoga class yesterday but I did get to go to Becky's (my dads girly friend) class which was pretty damn rad itself. Yoga is something that helps me find gratitude and self love and appreciation. So if you're like me and struggle with self love, acceptance and appreciation, I suggest you try yoga.
Today was a day I reflected on why my relationships haven't worked out and why I wanted them to work so badly. It's because I wanted someone to love me when I can't even love myself. Even though I may be super young in the game of dating it still sucks and hurts. There's no denying that. Today I thought about it. And I thought about how I am enough. For myself. For my mom. For my friends and even for my future boyfriends/husband.
So happy Valentine's Day.
Practice self love. You are enough. Be true to that.